Hello, God.

Hi, how's it going?

Oh, good grief. As if you don't know. Is that your idea of a joke?

Kinda. I just ask so you can tell me yourself.

Yeah, whatever. Listen, I've been thinking. And I'd like to ask you a question.

Go ahead, I like an inquisitive mind. I designed it after all.

Good, here it goes. I've been thinking, you know, reevaluating some things. I've taken stock of my job, my family, the people I work with and the things that have happened to me in the past few years. Keeping in mind that you control the universe and all that, I'd like to say something regarding my life.

Ok, go ahead.

Here it is: are you KIDDING me?

I don't follow you.

Oh, don't be coy. You know EVERYTHING for crying out loud. You know perfectly well the idiots I have to put up with around here. My wife thinks I'm ridiculous. My boss doesn't respect me. And I don't get paid enough! You call that blessing?

I call that more than you deserve.

I work hard.

True. But I want you to learn something from life and to grow. You can't grow if I don't stretch you.

Oh, what do you know. You're God. It's easy for you.

You're pushing it.

I mean, have you seen my car? I have to pay to fix that!

Are you done?

And what's with my mother? It's like she thinks I'm still in the first grade.

Ever read the book of Job? Deal with it.

This isn't some story, God. I'm suffering here.

I've heard enough.

Would you listen to what I'm trying to say?

I've taken stock of you're life too. Now I realize that you are a selfish, lazy slob, who doesn't love his family. You hate your parents and have dreamed of killing your boss. Yesterday, you cheated on your wife. And you want me to bless you?

Umm, well.

What do you expect me to do?

Have pity?

Pity! Did you have pity on your son when he asked for a second chance? Did you have pity when your brother came to you for help? No, I don't think pity is right for you.

But...

NO! You will say nothing more until I pass judgment! I am the CREATOR, the FIRST AND THE LAST. You are nothing but a stench in my presence.

I'm sorry, I...

In light of your behavior, remembering the laws set forth at the beginning of the world, I have no other choice...

Oh, crap.

...but to die for you. Go in peace.

Amen.